The week before we were leaving for Hawaii was utter chaos. Getting everything planned for the kids, where they would stay and who would take care of the dog was a much larger feat than I gave it credit for. That’s a long way to say that I didn’t plan ahead. I did try, but my step son and recent U of M grad who was supposed to take care of the house, Zack and Piper while we were gone, but instead decided to go out and get a full time, great paying job! How could I be mad right? Check one off the list… Mason, now independent… check! 3 more to go and I can rest easy right?!
This wasn’t our first bump in the road before the trip. We had also recently been hacked and our banking information was stolen and used, which required us to close our account and reopen another. It sounds simple and quick, but I just ordered new checks yesterday and it happened like over 2 months ago. Huge inconvenience. Oh yeah and my laptop died from a known defect Apple was replacing until December… of last year. It’s 4 months past the expiration date of a recall… Come on Apple.
So, I’ve got the kids schedules covered. Now to plan Jackson’s 5th birthday party, which is only days before we leave. At this point, I’m kinda feeling guilty for not being the 100% mom I could be here, after all, Jackson just turns 5 and now I’m darting off on Dave’s birthday (the only reason he’s coming… joking) to spend mother’s day in Hawaii without the kids. Lily even told me, “if you love us, why wouldn’t you want to bring your kids?” in the most honest and flabbergasted tone.
So I’m trying to keep the birthday simple, but I’m kind of known for creating fun cupcakes for the kids birthdays, so I decided to continue the tradition and make cupcakes and try out a new chocolate chip cookie dough frosting recipe I saw on Facebook. The party was great; simple and fun with lots of family and friends. The cupcakes were a hit and a lot of people had 2… even my 84-year-old grandpa, who may even have had 3.
See? He’s surrounded by them!
I was packing our suitcase when my mom called. Like usual I was annoyed when I answered because she usually has questions that I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk about at the time, like when special person day is for the 10th time. “It’s in the email I sent you mom, why did I take the time to type it all out if you are going to call and ask anyway?” I answered the phone with these thoughts running through my mind.
OMG, is Grandpa ok? A heart attack?
The room started to spin and I felt as if the floor were caving out from underneath me.
The next couple of days were the hardest. We simply had to wait. We didn’t know how bad the damage was or if he was even completely there. He was on a respirator stable, but unconscious. I went to go visit him at the hospital before we left. I remember feeling as though my cupcakes had somehow done him in. I knew the thought was preposterous, but I couldn’t help thinking that the doctor was going to pull me aside and ask me, “Are you the one who gave him 3 cupcakes?”
Despite these feelings, I went to go see him the day before I left. Guess what? No one stopped me. He didn’t even know that I was there, but it was hard for me to see him like this. Here lay the man who was always there for me. He has driven me to school countless times when I would miss the bus, was there every time I locked my keys in the car and who even had to give me a jump several times just last year when my alternator went out. He somehow seemed infallible, but there he lay.
I left for Hawaii with my head in a cloud. I was numb to the world, to my purpose of going, even my purpose in life. I had nothing left in me to fight, yet I wasn’t quitting either. I was merely suspended in my own thoughts or in shock of the situation at home, I’m not quite sure which. Either way, my vision was gone. I was simply a clean slate; Dorthy on her way to Oz.
I realized at the airport that I had forgotten to bring my cards, DMP and a few other MKMMA things as well as business cards etc. I embraced the numbness and thought, “You know what? I don’t care.” I wanted to redo my DMP anyway. I am open to the universe and am here for the journey.
I thought I might have some time on the plane to think on things a bit, but no thoughts came. I was numb and the pressure of the cabin put on my body made me feel even more stuck inside myself. We didn’t spend much time sitting around the airport either. By the time our plane landed, our connecting flight was doing final boarding call 20 terminals away.
As soon as we exit, I’m frantically looking for gate and concourse information while Dave is behind me checking out possible restaurants. “Do you have no sense of urgency man?!” I say as they call “final boarding for Flight …. To Hawaii” over the intercom. If you wanted to eat, you should have left a couple of hour layover! Is what I was thinking as I power walk down the moving platform to save time. Finally, we are on our way to paradise. No more connecting flights, just the ocean and then we are there.
I tried to distract myself with a movie, but I spent most of my time in the in-between. Neither here nor there; somewhere between conscious and subconscious, deep within myself, which was connected to the universal at the most primal of levels. I awoke from my cocoon of numbness and introspect as we descended upon paradise.
By the time we land on the Big Island, I get a text saying that Grandpa woke up and is going to be ok. Praise God!
Our minds are amazing aren’t they?. They have so much power that they can convince us of almost anything. Like even though I knew rationally my cupcakes didn’t give him the heart attack. It was the biscuits and gravy he had for breakfast! (Haha I’m kidding)
It didn’t matter what my logical mind was saying. Emotion took over and subby was trying to back up the hysterical claim and convince me regardless of what the truth was. It doesn’t know truth. It only knows what I tell it. I told it I caused Grandpa’s heart attack with my cupcakes and it accepted that as truth and it would have fought to defend that point of view. Wow. That’s some deep stuff right there.
For those of you who are still thinking about the cookie dough frosting… I didn’t forget you. 😉