I can’t tell you how many times I have sat down to rewrite my DMP. I feel like a lost soul drifting amidst the fog. I still don’t know what I want in life. After all of this time you would think I would have figured it out. Is it wrong to just want balance? Not too much of one thing or another? Putting on my observer eyes, I look at myself in procrastination, or in flux. I am waiting for something, maybe a sign. I hear the wind whisper in my ear and I feel a pull from with in. I know I’m being called to something great, but I’m missing something.
Next year my son will be in school full time and then kids will no longer be my excuse for procrastination. Then what will I do? I’ve been trying to run my own business for years and find that I like everything… except that whole running the business part. When I work for a company, I find that I don’t like rules and I need freedom of expression. If I worked for someone else, I would want the company to be environmentally conscious and be involved in recycling or some how related to preserving the environment. Maybe that’s what my business should do? Sometimes I wonder if my passion for the environment and sustainability slows my ability to fully immerse myself in the view that the world is already perfect. Are we not supposed to think of the world as perfect as it is and find no faults in the way we do things? If there is nothing wrong with the world, should we not look for a more sustainable way to exist, to leave the world in the same condition or better than it was left to us? I have more questions than answers.
As I sit here and contemplate my purpose in life, the door bursts open. There stands a four-year-old blond hair, blue eyed boy with his blue blanket and a big angelic smile asking me to cuddle with him on the couch. You can schedule all the family time in the world, but you can’t schedule a moment like that. It’s important to plan and work for the future, but we still to remember to be in the now. Sometimes the now interrupts the plan, but we learn to adjust. I will let myself get lured into his trap of distraction as long as he’ll have it for I know one day those will be the memories that I will cherish most and they will carry me through my darkest times. Therefore, I will consider this the scenic route on my journey and I will start this day with love in my heart.