I had a field trip folly today that reminded me that My old blue print seems to be hanging in there. I swore that my daughter’s field trip was today, but after waiting at the orchard for over an hour, I realized that I had made a mistake. Upon realizing that, I thought “oh shit!” to myself as I realized the time and the start of my son’s class in 15 minutes a while country town away. Normally I wouldn’t care if I was a little late, in fact, I’m rather good at that, but if it wasn’t my daughter’s field trip, it was my son’s for they were on consecutive days and the big attraction to his field trip was that he was going to get to ride the bus for the first time.
I didn’t want to be epic failure twice in one day, so I hauled ass to his school. At this point, my son was already a bit disappointed in me. He is only four, but very aware and intelligent. He reluctantly left the fun of the apple orchards, hay house and corn maze to head on back to school where his supposed field trip awaited. We arrived in the parking of his school as a school bus full of kids and parents rolled by. My heart sank in fear that we missed the bus and that I had let him down again. We walked into the school and found his class there doing there everyday routine. I had indeed messed up the dates, but am happy that I still have a chance to do it right as today is my son’s trip and tomorrow is my daughter’s. He was pretty bummed, but we all had a bit of a laugh at myself and how out old blueprint tries to interfere with change and now we are all prepared, excited and ready for the trip today.
I know it’s my own fault for not being diligent enough with maintaining the work that will change my subconscious. I am all in, but I fear I am still behind. I am still feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time with balancing this and the needs of my children. There are things that I don’t understand, like this blog thing and keep putting off. My kids keep getting in the way by getting sick. We’re on number 3 now. Just the husband to go and it starts all over again. Part of me whispers, “I don’t know if I can do this” already and they say watch out it’s going to get more involved, so don’t be behind now. Despite all of this I want to continue. I still feel a change even though I am still emerged in chaos.