Week 4 – I hath fallen again

I had a field trip folly today that reminded me that My old blue print seems to be hanging in there. I swore that my daughter’s field trip was today, but after waiting at the orchard for over an hour, I realized that I had made a mistake. Upon realizing that, I thought “oh shit!” to myself as I realized the time and the start of my son’s class in 15 minutes a while country town away. Normally I wouldn’t care if I was a little late, in fact, I’m rather good at that, but if it wasn’t my daughter’s field trip, it was my son’sĀ for they were on consecutive days and the big attraction to his field trip was that he was going to get to ride the bus for the first time.

I didn’t want to be epic failure twice in one day, so I hauled ass to his school. At this point, my son was already a bit disappointed in me. He is only four, but very aware and intelligent. He reluctantly left the fun of the apple orchards, hay house and corn maze to head on back to school where his supposed field trip awaited. We arrived in the parking of his school as a school bus full of kids and parents rolled by. My heart sank in fear that we missed the bus and that I had let him down again. We walked into the school and found his class there doing there everyday routine. I had indeed messed up the dates, but am happy that I still have a chance to do it right as today is my son’s trip and tomorrow is my daughter’s. He was pretty bummed, but we all had a bit of a laugh at myself and how out old blueprint tries to interfere with change and now we are all prepared, excited and ready for the trip today.

I know it’s my own fault for not being diligent enough with maintaining the work that will change my subconscious. I am all in, but I fear I am still behind. I am still feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time with balancing this and the needs of my children. There are things that I don’t understand, like this blog thing and keep putting off. My kids keep getting in the way by getting sick. We’re on number 3 now. Just the husband to go and it starts all over again. Part of me whispers, “I don’t know if I can do this” already and they say watch out it’s going to get more involved, so don’t be behind now. Despite all of this I want to continue. I still feel a change even though I am still emerged in chaos.

 

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Week 3 – Inner Reflections

I’ve spent a lot of my time this week in contemplation, thinking back on my life and the events that have led me here. I have always known that greatness was in me, but every time I try to soar, I feel the weight of my past failures and insecurities holding me back like a seed of doubt. I’ve been trying to show myself a lot of compassion and better understand my feelings and as I do, I can feel the weight of the past begin to fade as I step out of the darkness and into the light.

Sometimes it surprises me that I am here again. I have climbed up this dark wall of despair before and vowed never to get here again. Only this time I got here a different and unexpected way and it has allowed me to see that I was not really completely out of the woods so to speak because I didn’t finish training my subconscious. Now I have tasted sweetness of happiness and success, but am left with only the after bitterness of my own mental despair. This time I will succeed for I have stumbled upon a system to help train my subconscious and if I follow as instructed, I will finally be done with this cliff.

Though I can see the way out, the path to get there is hazardous and somehow that which is my savior is also my undoing. Much like Harry Potter and Voldemort, one can not survive while the other one lives and my subconscious wants to take control with a misguided perspective. Could Harry’s epic battle with Voldemort have been him fighting his subconscious the whole time? Is it only in understanding that which torments me will I finally be free. I am open to the idea to say the least.

 

Week 2 – My old self is still strong

up-9326.jpgI am trying to be vigilant. I am trying to keep up on our daily tasks, but I have to be honest with myself here, I have not done it perfectly yet. I feel over extended and I feel that old lifestyle and everyday routines have become an obstacle blocking me from attaining my goal. There seems not enough time in the day to satisfy everyone else’s needs and my own. Then when I get the chance to really focus, I feel bombarded by all the past and incomplete commitments that have come before this new commitment to myself. I feel as if I must make right these outstanding commitments and am still working to find balance in an already demanding schedule. Before I let this cycle of negative routine take me over, I will instead turn my thoughts to how I am going to accomplish organizing my thoughts, focus and time by working in day tight compartments. I will schedule it all out and share it with my family so I can get the support I need to become a happier me. I can start right now… well after I drop the kid off at school.

Again I am going to be honest with my self for a moment here. Yes, these are all obstacles, but I also know deep down that I am my own and the biggest obstacle of all. I still procrastinate. I am still having negative thoughts. Mostly out of frustration of lack of time or being interrupted. I have been successful at letting many of them pass through me as quickly as they came, but I am finding it hard with one case in particular. Our new tractor trailer was taken from our front yard about 3 weeks ago. The wind blew it down the hill toward the end of our yard by the road. I told him to bring it back for the night, but he forgot. It wasn’t until the following weekend that we noticed it was gone. I noticed a trailer that look just like ours attached to another tractor down the road and around the corner where the trailer park is. Part of me is mad and wants to confront these people who took our trailer. We do not have a lot of money and I have waited a long time to get that trailer. Then I think what good would it do? Would these people really learn a lesson here? I believe in karma and well, technically it was my husband’s trailer and he was the one that left it out. These people have nothing and seem to be making good use of it. I really didn’t like it that much anyway and even dumped it over on three occasions, spilling the contents all over the grass.